Spoony Bard is

Washington's pet banana slug.


Edward Bardtholomew Spoonington was born into a poor family living in the Kingdom of Smelly Grapefruit. Life in the ghetto held no hope for him, until he joined the "Six Noses, All Heart" program, an organization that helps slugs at a disadvantage and gives them a chance at a better life. With this program, Bardtholomew was able to attend Oxford and even graduate with a degree in English. He used his impressive credentials to get a job as a professor at the university that changed his life, while meanwhile helping out at SNAH.

Everything seemed to be going well for Bardtholomew, until one day tragedy struck. His entire family was killed in a tragic catfish incident. As part of their contract with him, SNAH was obligated to pay the funeral costs. Unfortunately, this was so expensive that the organization went bankrupt shortly afterwards. Bardtholomew sank into a deep depression, and he started showing up late for work. Eventually he was fired from his position.

Bardtholomew had hit rock bottom. He had no job, no organization, and no family. He was contemplating suicide one day, when suddenly, out of nowhere, an orange penguin seized hold of him and used his body to club a nearby Pikachu over the head, screaming, "You spoony bard!"

Enraged at being used in such a way, Bardtholomew challenged thepenguin to a duel (the segment including it was, unfortunately, cut from the final version of the roleplay) in which the slug was soundly defeated. The penguin, when asked by the defeated Bardtholomew what drove him, replied, "Love, Honor, and Tea, eh wot."

Amazed by this wise avian, Bardtholomew was transformed. He changed his name to Spoony Bard, and swore to follow in this penguin's footsteps, devoting his life to these three principles.

Powers and AbilitiesEdit

Spoony Bard has not demonstrated any special powers. It could be implied that he has some skill, since he dueled Washington. Much stronger evidence is provided by the canon fact that he and Chompy could take down Bobby Kotick by themselves.


Due to the incredible challenges that he has overcome in his life, Spoony Bard considers himself superior to most people. Also, due to his English degree, he has a nigh-incomprehensible vocabulary. The only person he respects is Washington.

Character ThemeEdit

Best VGM 125 - F-Zero GX - Octoman's Theme02:50

Best VGM 125 - F-Zero GX - Octoman's Theme

TCG Card TextEdit

Slug - Helper - Smoosh ♂

Bonus: 2

Cost: 2+1


♦: Equip: Negate all other effects triggered by Helpers.

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